Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron // How to Train Your Dragon
Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron // How to Train Your Dragon
Did you ever realize how much your body loves you? I mean its always trying to keep you alive. That’s all your body has to live for. Your body is making sure you breathe while you sleep, stopping cuts from bleeding, fixing broken bones, finding ways to beat the illnesses that might get you. Your body literally loves you so much. It’s time you start loving your body back.
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
I always need this on my blog.
I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning.
Emerald Ball Gowns
"PALESTINIAN GIRL, YOUNGEST DOCTOR IN THE WORLD"
"When someone enrols in the medicine school that one of the longest schooling required profession, by the time they finish school they will be around 30-or at least on their late 20s. But not for this girl; Eqbal Asa’d is a Palestinian Muslim woman that started the Medicine school when she was just 14 years old, ‘myhijab.info’ reports. Asa’d got her Bachelor degree in Medicine with Honors and was set by the Guinness World Records as the youngest doctor in the World, according to the report. She has been signed to go to Ohio, U.S to continue her education even further and become a Pediatrician." - Source
YOU GUYS SHE IS THE YOUNGEST DOCTOR IN THE WORLD. SHE IS A FEMALE, A MUSLIM AND A MINORITY. AND SHE IS THE YOUNGEST DOCTOR IN THE WORLD.
WHY ARE WE NOT HEARING MORE ABOUT HER?
you know damn well why
local gay couple judges saturday morning runners
if i ever dont reblog this assume im dead
Things I will forever be upset about:
1. I don’t know what my Patronus is
2. I don’t know what Amortentia smells like to me
3. I don’t know what I’d see in the Mirror of Erised
4. I don’t know what my Boggart would be
5. I don’t know what type of wand would choose me
Squirrel Girl needs a movie.
LISTEN UP YOU MAGGOTS
THIS CHARACTER IS BY FAR THE MOST POWERFUL, THE MOST INTERESTING, AND THE MOST WORTHY OF BEING YOUR ROLE MODEL EVER.
FIRST OFF SHE NEVER ONCE GOES GRIMDARK NOT ONCE AND WHEN SPEEDBALL WENT AND DID HIS STUPID CLIVE BARKER POINTS POINTED INWARD ARMOR THING SHE CALLED HIM OUT ON IT AND OUTRIGHT DECLARED SUCH A THING WAS CHILDISH AND MADE HIM INEFFECTIVE AS A HERO BECAUSE A HERO HAS TO BE APPROACHABLE.
ALSO LETS TALK ABOUT HER SUPERPOWER. YOU TAKE ONE LOOK AT HER AND THINK SHE’S JUST A LOSER RIGHT? WRONG. SQUIRREL GIRL HAS THE MUTANT POWER TO NOT ONLY HAVE SQUIRREL TRAITS BUT CAN ALSO COMMAND THE ABSOLUTE LOYALTY OF SQUIRRELS. HOW MANY SQUIRRELS? TRY EVERY SQUIRREL EVERY WHERE. FLYING SQUIRRELS, TREE SQUIRRELS, I BET YOU SOMEHOW SHE CAN EVEN COMMAND THE LOYALTY OF SOME SHITASTICALLY RARE POISON SQUIRRELS.
BECAUSE OF THIS POWER SHES MANAGED TO TAKE ON FOES THAT WOULD NORMALLY JUST INCINERATE HER ON THE SPOT. SHE TOOK ON DOCTOR VICTOR VON DOOM FOR PETE’S PATOOTS NOT A DOOM BOT THE ACTUAL DOCTOR DOOM AN ACTUAL SORTA ALIEN GOD CALLED THE WATCHER HAD TO ACTUALLY FACT CHECK THAT SHIT BECAUSE EVEN HE DIDNT BELIEVE IT AND THAT FUCKER NEVER INTERVENES FOR SHIT BUT HE HAD TO IN THIS CASE BECAUSE THE WORLD JUST COULDN’T BELIEVE SQUIRREL GIRL DEFEATED THE GENUINE DOCTOR DOOM HE WAS LIKE “OH HELL YEAH I HAVE TO COME DOWN AND FACT CHECK THIS SHIT THE UNIVERSE NEEDS THIS WHAT IM SURE GALACTUS CAN WAIT.”
ALSO HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTALOONS BEACUSE THIS LADY ACTUALLY TOOK ON GALACTUS AND WON.
GALACTUS YES THAT GALACTUS THE GIANT DUDE THAT EATS PLANETS SHE TOOK ON A SPACE GOD WITH NOTHIN GBUT MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRRELS.
SHE NEEDS A SERIES. A MOVIE, A FANBASE SHES JUST THAT AWESOME.
ALSO SHE’S PART OF A LOSER HERO TEAM CALLED THE GREAT LAKES AVENGERS AND ITS STAFFED BY A DUDE WHO CAN COME BACK TO LIFE WHEN HE DIES LIKE KENNY FROM SOUTH PARK
IM DONE HERE JUST USE WIKIPEDIA ALREADY DONT TAKE MY WORD FOR IT
No, seriously, it has become something of a running gag that Squirrel Girl can defeat any villain.
She is like “Instant Fun, just add Squirrel Girl”.
I strongly recommend reading her adventures, they are just super-great. ^__^
(Minor correction, it is actually the Great Lakes Champions, not Avengers.)
(She also has a healing factor and enhanced strength among some other squirrel-themed powers.)
Marvel set up a system of gauging superheroes powers and based it largely on which characters have defeated and lost to other characters to determine what those power levels are. Due to Squirrel Girl having defeated so many strong villains, they were forced to put every single power category at 7 out of 7.
She is the only Marvel character in history to achieve this.
The red are what fans think her power ratings should be.
Blue is canon ratings.
[source: http://marvel.com/universe/Squirrel_Girl ]
Lisa Simpson at Stuff-n-Hug
This really says a LOT
simpsons is so next level
I took my girls shopping for some summer clothes Saturday. T-shirts, jeans, shorts. They both love Marvel and superheroes and transformers and Hogwarts and stuff like that. Not so much pink and pretty stuff. They’ve both grown so much that this was the first time we were shopping in the grown up women’s section. Boring selections when it comes to t-shirts. Flowers and zebras and butterflies.
But what was making it near impossible was that all the t-shirts, the few they kinda-sorta liked, had either low/wide cut necklines or were extremely tailored for nipped in waists with little cap sleeves and short hemlines. Showing way too much skin for their ages as far as we all were concerned. So we headed over to the men’s section. A whole WALL full of properly cut tees with great designs on them!
They ran over and started hunting up things they liked. Two women were stocking shelves.
"You know these are MEN’S shirts."
"The girl’s section is over there."
"There’s not gonna be any Princesses over here, darlin’."
"These shirts are for the boys."
"This isn’t going to fit you right, honey."
I ignored the first time one of them said anything. Just told the girls what sizes they needed to look for and that they could each pick five shirts. But the women kept interrupting me. I tried to stay polite. “Yes, I know this is the men’s department.” But they kept making comments.
Finally I was getting mad. I told them we didn’t need any help. My girls were allowed to wear whatever they liked and they didn’t like the shirt designs in the women’s section and I didn’t like how low the necklines were.
Instead of just noticing that I was getting fed up with their “help”, they started arguing with me! One of them told my oldest, who is conventionally cute and skinny and starting to fill out (but still only 12), that “Oh that’s just because he’s your daddy. He doesn’t understand that a girl wants to show off for the boys!”
That was the last straw. I’m afraid I totally lost my temper. I told them (amongst a few other choice words) that they’d better walk away and come back to finish restocking the shelves once we’d left the area or I’d get the manager.
I try hard not to be rude to sales people and people in the service industry. That’s a difficult and thankless job. But for fuck’s sake! The first few comments were bad enough, but trying to undermine my moral authority with my kids? All in the name of gender and sexuality policing. They couldn’t get past the idea that my girls might prefer t-shirts that had “boy” designs on them and that didn’t hyper-sexualize them. The idea was abhorrent to them and they had to interfere and then KEEP interfering.
Once our sales “help” was gone, the girls found a bunch of shirts. Captain America, Minecraft, Doctor Who, Batman, Avengers. All the stuff they’re into. I mean, they also like MLP and Littlest Pet Shop and soft fluffy stuffed animals and Monster High dolls. We hit the toy section too for some of that stuff cos they brought their saved-up allowances with them.
At least we didn’t get any “help” in the shoe section. They’d’ve had a cow again cos while the youngest found a cute pair of pink and purple sneakers, I ‘let’ the oldest go to the men’s section and find a cool pair of dark blue and grey ones. (and omg their feet are huge! youngest wears a women’s size 9.5 and oldest wars a men’s 8. FFS, I wear a men’s 8.5. Their feet are almost as big as mine! How’d that happen?)
I hate this gender policing shit and won’t put up with it at all. I always feel for kids whose parents enforce this shit. I see it at stores when a girl or boy strays outside the lines, too often the parents are the one who pull them back into their place and it makes me sad.
Like, their friends who are boys, when they’re over at our house, they sit there and play with the girl toys as much as the boy toys. One of the boys loves playing LPS with my youngest, making up stories and stuff. The first time I walked out into the playroom and saw, he got so nervous and tried to say that he was just doing it to be nice to her. I told him that it was fine. He could play with whatever he wanted to and I wouldn’t tell anyone. Word got around to the other boys I guess cos now they all play whatever and don’t stop if I “catch” them.
I get shit from my mom about it too. I’m trying to make them into little boys. I shouldn’t have bought them trucks and toy swords when they were little. The oldest needs to learn to start wearing dresses now not just blue jeans. Why did I ‘let’ her get her hair cut short? I need to put the youngest on a diet and make her wear training bras. Why do I let them play with boys? etc etc etc.
I just find it so hard to believe that it’s the 21st century and people are still getting their knickers in a twist over this kind of thing.
^^^^ This man deserves a dad of the year award. ^^^^
YOU ARE A SHINING BEACON OF HOPE SIR
Toothless in 221B
I am away for a weekend and come back to this?!
I love tumblr.